So inadequate,
Walking past them through the halls.
So unremarkable,
Faded me.
Wallflower at best.
I don’t dress like them.
I don’t talk like them.
We know it.
Their smiles so bright
And eyes so blue,
With shiny hair so golden.
We know it.
Life is like a masquerade.
A ball, a waltz,
And they the dancers.
I, amongst the scattered chairs
Reserved for loners, faded and plain
With “stranger” pasted on my forehead
Starker than the unwritten “last year” on
My gown of simple gauze.
Dance card of life so empty and bare,
A sad comparison to theirs,
So worn with handling and flourishes of
Suitors eager to adore.
Laughter fills the air, high-pitched and giddy,
Light and dizzy.
We know it. They know it. I know it.
Hear the rhythm of the waltz
The one, two, three,
They glide by me.
And in my chair, I pine and stare
At glorious they,
Unremarkable me.
They pity me, I know they do,
With honeyed looks that pass like blue.
And then they sweep on and on,
Their trains like billowing clouds of perfumed silk.
I slip away out of the room,
Leaving strains of strings behind
Following the music of the moon.
Once outside, the cool air breathes.
I see not they, but who I am.
And so I dance my waltz alone,
My one, two three,
My glorious song.
A tune so splendid no one knows.
And never can their dresses costly rival mine
As moonlight streams between its layers light and pure.
My song.
So inadequate,
Walking past them through the halls.
So unremarkable.
Faded me,
Wallflower at best.
Until I dance my waltz.
9.09.2009
Your Eyes
Your eyes, your mien, your tongue declare that you are music, that you are music everywhere.” – If Music Be the Food of Love, Henry Purcell
Looking up into your eyes.
Steady gaze across the room.
One, two, three.
I break my eyes away.
Sudden flush across my cheeks.
Icy breeze, yet burning heat.
What have you done to me?
Your eyes.
So beautiful and piercing,
Rimmed with lashes long and dark.
When I look into those pools,
Emotions push against my heart.
I’m falling.
Your voice so deep and soothing,
Like lilting music through the night.
Shivers tingle down my spine.
What have you done to me?
When I raise my head again,
Our eyes, as if by magic, meet.
Adonis, how could such emotion
Be inside your eyes tonight?
Then you smile, slow and brief.
Shocked, my eyes widen.
Breath catches.
I turn my face away for good.
Adonis.
What have you done to me?
Looking up into your eyes.
Steady gaze across the room.
One, two, three.
I break my eyes away.
Sudden flush across my cheeks.
Icy breeze, yet burning heat.
What have you done to me?
Your eyes.
So beautiful and piercing,
Rimmed with lashes long and dark.
When I look into those pools,
Emotions push against my heart.
I’m falling.
Your voice so deep and soothing,
Like lilting music through the night.
Shivers tingle down my spine.
What have you done to me?
When I raise my head again,
Our eyes, as if by magic, meet.
Adonis, how could such emotion
Be inside your eyes tonight?
Then you smile, slow and brief.
Shocked, my eyes widen.
Breath catches.
I turn my face away for good.
Adonis.
What have you done to me?
My Prayer
I bless you with a love for our Lord Jesus Christ that will never be rivaled by your love for any being, idea, or object.
I bless you with such wisdom that in all circumstances, you will stand firm in tribulations, acting according to our Lord’s will.
I bless you with a maturity that will go with you wherever you are, and in whatever you do; may others see you and, in turn, seek God.
I bless you with purity of mind, heart, and soul.
I bless you with freedom, both moral and financial, so that the world can point no finger at you.
I bless you with a pure love for children, likened unto the love the Father has for all His children.
I bless you with a love, shining from your eyes, which can only come from Jesus.
I bless you with a calm heart and gentle spirit, meek in all ways, that you may be a man without anger, disciplining in love.
I bless you with a desire for righteousness, that you will seek His truth and do your utmost to spread His Word.
I bless you with a determination to complete all tasks He has assigned you, that your life purpose may reflect His light.
I bless you with laughter – bright, joyous laughter – that in your darkest moments, you may remember our Savior and praise Him.
I bless you with a compassion for the poor and needy; may you be the defender of the orphans and widows.
I bless you with the sense of worth, with the knowledge that you - your whole body, soul, and mind, are gifts from God. May He protect you from all harm that you may be a living sacrifice unto Him.
I bless you with strength, physical and spiritual, that you will protect both our children and me, when the time comes.
I bless you with character, and may you be a man of God, after His own heart.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you have done, whatever you’ll be, may God bless you with all these things, that when we meet, for the first time or again, you will have grown in Him.
In the blood and the precious, loving, and awesome name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, I pray,
Amen.
I bless you with such wisdom that in all circumstances, you will stand firm in tribulations, acting according to our Lord’s will.
I bless you with a maturity that will go with you wherever you are, and in whatever you do; may others see you and, in turn, seek God.
I bless you with purity of mind, heart, and soul.
I bless you with freedom, both moral and financial, so that the world can point no finger at you.
I bless you with a pure love for children, likened unto the love the Father has for all His children.
I bless you with a love, shining from your eyes, which can only come from Jesus.
I bless you with a calm heart and gentle spirit, meek in all ways, that you may be a man without anger, disciplining in love.
I bless you with a desire for righteousness, that you will seek His truth and do your utmost to spread His Word.
I bless you with a determination to complete all tasks He has assigned you, that your life purpose may reflect His light.
I bless you with laughter – bright, joyous laughter – that in your darkest moments, you may remember our Savior and praise Him.
I bless you with a compassion for the poor and needy; may you be the defender of the orphans and widows.
I bless you with the sense of worth, with the knowledge that you - your whole body, soul, and mind, are gifts from God. May He protect you from all harm that you may be a living sacrifice unto Him.
I bless you with strength, physical and spiritual, that you will protect both our children and me, when the time comes.
I bless you with character, and may you be a man of God, after His own heart.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you have done, whatever you’ll be, may God bless you with all these things, that when we meet, for the first time or again, you will have grown in Him.
In the blood and the precious, loving, and awesome name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, I pray,
Amen.
Bittersweet Chocolate Days
Do you remember those days long ago--
The sun always high and the shadows so low;
When whirling and twirling were all one could do;
When everything said was believed to be true?
Oh, do you remember those faraway days?
Bitter, yet sweet, to us now in our age.
Laughter and flowers, mingled with pain.
Bittersweet chocolate, let’s live it again.
How could we know what we’d grow up to be?
Did we imagine the hurt that we’d see?
Aching with grief, we wish we could be
Back in the ethereal world of the free.
But with the wisdom we’ve gained in our years,
Searching horizons with eyes full of tears,
A voice, deep within, says “It’s all part of life”,
Move onward, oh onward, towards the Great Light.
Oh, do you remember those faraway days?
Bitter, yet sweet, to us now in our age.
Laughter and flowers, mingled with pain.
Bittersweet chocolate, let’s live it again.
And so we’ll look back when we feel torn apart,
Back on those days that so soften our hearts.
Nostalgia thick as we reach through the haze.
Bittersweet, bittersweet chocolate days.
The sun always high and the shadows so low;
When whirling and twirling were all one could do;
When everything said was believed to be true?
Oh, do you remember those faraway days?
Bitter, yet sweet, to us now in our age.
Laughter and flowers, mingled with pain.
Bittersweet chocolate, let’s live it again.
How could we know what we’d grow up to be?
Did we imagine the hurt that we’d see?
Aching with grief, we wish we could be
Back in the ethereal world of the free.
But with the wisdom we’ve gained in our years,
Searching horizons with eyes full of tears,
A voice, deep within, says “It’s all part of life”,
Move onward, oh onward, towards the Great Light.
Oh, do you remember those faraway days?
Bitter, yet sweet, to us now in our age.
Laughter and flowers, mingled with pain.
Bittersweet chocolate, let’s live it again.
And so we’ll look back when we feel torn apart,
Back on those days that so soften our hearts.
Nostalgia thick as we reach through the haze.
Bittersweet, bittersweet chocolate days.
Ecstasy
Standing at the edge of the world.
Ocean vast before me.
Wind whipping my hair wildly,
Sparkling with electricity unfounded.
Sea spray soaring up to the sky.
Salty smells, pure and sharp.
Take me home to the sea.
The sting of wind-flung waves
Smashing upon the rocks,
Showering me with salty wine.
Intoxicating.
Close your eyes.
Feel the caress of the sun upon your eyelids.
Hear the far and distant echoes of the sea
Mingled with the song of gulls,
Too intertwined to separate by mortal ear.
Green, green, green.
Cover me with your waves.
The pounding, the crashing,
The bittersweet air, pushing me out of myself and
Into a world of waves and rays.
Take me home to the sea.
Ocean vast before me.
Wind whipping my hair wildly,
Sparkling with electricity unfounded.
Sea spray soaring up to the sky.
Salty smells, pure and sharp.
Take me home to the sea.
The sting of wind-flung waves
Smashing upon the rocks,
Showering me with salty wine.
Intoxicating.
Close your eyes.
Feel the caress of the sun upon your eyelids.
Hear the far and distant echoes of the sea
Mingled with the song of gulls,
Too intertwined to separate by mortal ear.
Green, green, green.
Cover me with your waves.
The pounding, the crashing,
The bittersweet air, pushing me out of myself and
Into a world of waves and rays.
Take me home to the sea.
Revelation in D31
On July 28th, 2009, at 9:55 A.M., I had a revelation.
Having taken one of the few empty seats in Gate D31 at the DFW airport, I commenced to brood and examine my surroundings:
Soldiers returning home from conflict, weary and worn, yet with an eager, hoping light in their eyes.
Hustling and bustling from all sides; honeyed voices booming over the intercom: “Last call for Andrew Lopez departing on American Airlines to Las Vegas. Last call for Andrew Lopez”.
My own heart, pumping rhythmically with my flashing thoughts.
The quiet and steady hum of noise pushing me deeper into my thoughts.
I had just returned to Gate D31 from the little McDonalds in the concession area. Not realizing that in business class, the term “snack” means “meal so large that a short little Chinese girl with no appetite cannot possibly finish it”, I bought a McSkillet.
[Of course, first choice would be a McChicken, but the lunch menu was not served until 10:30, and with my plane leaving at 10:40, I dared not chance to miss it. How was I to know they would announce my plane’s 20 minute delay immediately after I purchased the McSkillet? However, what was done was done, and I ended up giving it away to someone who needed it more than I, anyways.]
There I sat, insecurely fidgeting and scribbling away in my journal, doing my utmost to ignore the increasingly louder conversation amongst the Chinese family seated to my left.
It was a typical Chinese American family. The father was busily tapping away at his laptop, wearily finishing up the last-minute work before a well-deserved vacation; the mother was noisily clucking over her children like a fussing mother hen, switching between talking to her husband and begging her children to get off of each other; the two young and awkward sons, laden with action-figure emblazoned backpacks, were blissfully shoving each other further from their parents and closer to the busy walkways.
The topic switched to their lunch fare. Mother wanted some sort of grilled sandwich from a middle-class restaurant; children wanted “McDONALDS!”. Father didn’t care. “Alright, let’s just go get lunch.”
“But what if we miss the plane?!?” Stammered the children. “What if it leaves us here while we’re buying our food?”
I smiled to myself, jotting down in tired blue cursive, “What happens if the plane takes off while we’re gone”.
And then I paused.
As a child, my worst fear at an airport was to miss the plane. Even with the numerous flights we took every year as a family, I still nurtured the ever-present fear that I would be left while pursuing another diversion.
We are like the children. Salvation is like the plane. McDonalds represents all those unimportant, yet not always bad, pastimes that divert us from Jesus.
What if we miss our salvation by turning away for a while and focusing on something else? Lunch is good, yes, and goals are important, but are we missing the more important things?
How much am I focusing on things that could easily take me away from my plane to eternal life with The Father?
Beneath my hurried scrawl of amusement, this took the place of empty space:
“What if one misses their flight to eternal life with The Father? To miss the chance to be with Jesus for eternity is the ultimate sorrow. What diversion will take us away from Him, as lunch from the plane?”
Remember what the truly important things in life are.
Remember how easy it is to miss our plane.
Having taken one of the few empty seats in Gate D31 at the DFW airport, I commenced to brood and examine my surroundings:
Soldiers returning home from conflict, weary and worn, yet with an eager, hoping light in their eyes.
Hustling and bustling from all sides; honeyed voices booming over the intercom: “Last call for Andrew Lopez departing on American Airlines to Las Vegas. Last call for Andrew Lopez”.
My own heart, pumping rhythmically with my flashing thoughts.
The quiet and steady hum of noise pushing me deeper into my thoughts.
I had just returned to Gate D31 from the little McDonalds in the concession area. Not realizing that in business class, the term “snack” means “meal so large that a short little Chinese girl with no appetite cannot possibly finish it”, I bought a McSkillet.
[Of course, first choice would be a McChicken, but the lunch menu was not served until 10:30, and with my plane leaving at 10:40, I dared not chance to miss it. How was I to know they would announce my plane’s 20 minute delay immediately after I purchased the McSkillet? However, what was done was done, and I ended up giving it away to someone who needed it more than I, anyways.]
There I sat, insecurely fidgeting and scribbling away in my journal, doing my utmost to ignore the increasingly louder conversation amongst the Chinese family seated to my left.
It was a typical Chinese American family. The father was busily tapping away at his laptop, wearily finishing up the last-minute work before a well-deserved vacation; the mother was noisily clucking over her children like a fussing mother hen, switching between talking to her husband and begging her children to get off of each other; the two young and awkward sons, laden with action-figure emblazoned backpacks, were blissfully shoving each other further from their parents and closer to the busy walkways.
The topic switched to their lunch fare. Mother wanted some sort of grilled sandwich from a middle-class restaurant; children wanted “McDONALDS!”. Father didn’t care. “Alright, let’s just go get lunch.”
“But what if we miss the plane?!?” Stammered the children. “What if it leaves us here while we’re buying our food?”
I smiled to myself, jotting down in tired blue cursive, “What happens if the plane takes off while we’re gone”.
And then I paused.
As a child, my worst fear at an airport was to miss the plane. Even with the numerous flights we took every year as a family, I still nurtured the ever-present fear that I would be left while pursuing another diversion.
We are like the children. Salvation is like the plane. McDonalds represents all those unimportant, yet not always bad, pastimes that divert us from Jesus.
What if we miss our salvation by turning away for a while and focusing on something else? Lunch is good, yes, and goals are important, but are we missing the more important things?
How much am I focusing on things that could easily take me away from my plane to eternal life with The Father?
Beneath my hurried scrawl of amusement, this took the place of empty space:
“What if one misses their flight to eternal life with The Father? To miss the chance to be with Jesus for eternity is the ultimate sorrow. What diversion will take us away from Him, as lunch from the plane?”
Remember what the truly important things in life are.
Remember how easy it is to miss our plane.
When Words Won't Come
Throat closed, mouth shut.
Words won't come no matter what.
Pen stilled, frozen time.
Blank and empty page of lines.
My words won't flow.
What prevents them? I don't know.
Sounds rush, colors fade.
Time is lost in endless age.
Come words, come rhyme.
Let me write this poem of mine.
Flow ink from the pen.
Don't leave my thoughts without an end.
Don't leave my heart unwritten.
Words won't come no matter what.
Pen stilled, frozen time.
Blank and empty page of lines.
My words won't flow.
What prevents them? I don't know.
Sounds rush, colors fade.
Time is lost in endless age.
Come words, come rhyme.
Let me write this poem of mine.
Flow ink from the pen.
Don't leave my thoughts without an end.
Don't leave my heart unwritten.
Seventeen
Can I stay forever seventeen--
Live forever in my hopes and dreams?
Mature enough to heed my mind,
Yet fool enough to love so blind.
Forever at this age I’ll live,
Embracing all that life can give,
Enduring all the pain, for soon
The sun will rise and sing her tune.
Can I stay forever seventeen--
Live my life so strong and free?
To understand the pain of death
And value every taken breath.
And so I’ll stay forever seventeen,
Oh, every day a broken dream.
Emotions stark upon the mien.
Forever, yes, I’m seventeen.
Live forever in my hopes and dreams?
Mature enough to heed my mind,
Yet fool enough to love so blind.
Forever at this age I’ll live,
Embracing all that life can give,
Enduring all the pain, for soon
The sun will rise and sing her tune.
Can I stay forever seventeen--
Live my life so strong and free?
To understand the pain of death
And value every taken breath.
And so I’ll stay forever seventeen,
Oh, every day a broken dream.
Emotions stark upon the mien.
Forever, yes, I’m seventeen.
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