Ramblings #1

The funny thing is to look back on all the notes I have recently posted and find that many of them are about the un-mentionable word: a boy. Okay, that was two words, but you get the gist.

I am just going to expound on this for now. I am not going to talk about how to get over it, or anything sensible. For now, let us indulge in exploring my emotions. I have been afraid to write about it for some time. I have been afraid to talk to others about it as well, because I know that love in its true form is something that comes later for me, and to dwell on it is to simply relish in being impatient. But I think it is time that I sat myself down and went through this myriad of a hullabaloo in my mind.

And so it begins...

I guess that like any shallow person, I began thinking about you because of your physical looks. I found your aura of mysteriousness captivating. I did not find you “cute” until time progressed; no, the fact that I could not read you like a book was what hooked me first. I like to watch people, because most of them are too busy making a spectacle of themselves to notice any observing eyes outside of the ones with stars in them. [I am more than guilty of making myself look like an idiot, do not get me wrong.]

Anyways, I thought you were interesting, and that is what pulled me in. Then your love and obvious talents for mutual interests changed my feelings from curiosity to a sort of respect.

I guess it all spiraled from there. Despite prolonged study, I still do not understand much of you at all. Some things you do have me shaking my head; some make me smile; some cause disappointment--but the final product leaves me bewildered, keeping me hungry to search for anything that will complete the scattered puzzle pieces I have formed about you. Maybe someday, the puzzle will fit together and it will form a complete picture of you. Maybe. Maybe not.

I wrote down a list of all the things I looked for in a husband, and tried to match them with qualities you had. I am not even sure if you have the most important quality I seek. Yet I just keep hoping that God will change you.

So for the time being, I am trying desperately to forget yet remember you. I dislike thinking about you because it uses up so much of my time and emotions. And yet I find it a thrill to wonder if things may ever be.

I remember jokes you cracked, and they still make me smile. A certain song plays and I automatically think of you. I wonder what you would say when I do certain things, never remembering that I hardly know your true essence.

And the thing that really gets me is that ugly green-faced thing called jealousy. It rears its head at the most inopportune times, getting me all wired up over any silly thing or person I view as competition. And what right do I have to get jealous anyways? That is what really annoys me—this viewing of you as mine simply because I, well, okay, simply because I LIKE you. Is that better? I LIKE you.

Me. Liking you. Me, the girl who makes it her business to keep guys out of her own. Me, the whacko person who just, well... ARGH! It is not something I am proud of, the fact that I cannot get you out of my mind. I am supposed to pride myself on staying focused and sensible, although I have no idea where those assumptions sprouted from. But I cannot, because there is this face of an angel that pushes out all common sense and has me envisioning wedding invitations. [Granted, the wedding invitations part may be an exaggeration by a short step.] It is frustrating that I cannot be what I want to be because of you. Not like it is your fault. I am quite sure you never DID anything to lead me on.

Love may make you blind, but puppy love makes you an idiot.

I am an idiot.

When am I going to realize things are not going to work out, and that neither you nor I am ready to even think about marriage. Oh, did I mention that I am not into relationships that do not last forever? You probably know, so why am I explaining? Anyways, when I like someone, it is not chasing after a fling. I am ridiculously serious.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, how I feel right now.

And I am pretty sure you have completely forgotten my existence, or are pretty close to it. Or perhaps you think I am weird, which I would not completely put past you, nor do I blame you, because from what I know of you, you would not go for someone like me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel like your heart is tucked away in some safe in London, guarded by ten-foot brick walls. You are impenetrable. The fact that it is the reason I was drawn to you in the first place does not change the knowing that we are such different, different people.

One side of my mouth quirked up right now. Not sure why I am amused by this post.